Embarrassed by Christianity
I suppose this has been a couple weeks in the making now. And for those of you who seemed caught off guard by my comment, or questioned my comment, or were just curious, I apologize for taking so long to respond. Honestly in the moment, I knew what I was feeling yet wasn't sure quite the words to use to describe it in a way that someone else could truly understand what I was saying. That being the case I figured I'd give myself some time to hash everything out in my head so that on the off chance you're reading this you might get where I'm coming from. Now two weeks later, I'm sure things are no clearer in my head than they were when I started, in fact I just have more questions. So as you read this please understand that I am not necessarily making statements of opinion but simply asking questions. Questions I'm asking of God, His scriptures, his church, this country/world, Maybe you but definitely questions I'm asking of myself.
Embarrassed by Christianity
I walked into a so called "Christian" bookstore the other day and was completely overwhelmed. An hour later as i was leaving I was still overwhelmed but for a much different reason. Excitement was my initial emotion. My affinity for a good book had me reeling at the size of the book/bible section of this particular store. Then of course there was the music! After a four year sabbatical from Christian music I have just recently put one foot back on the bandwagon and was excited to look back into the bands that I had been so excited about back in high school. I was a kid in a candy shop. I haven't been a candy eater for quite some time now but I soon remembered why too much candy is a bad thing... It gives you stomach aches.
I'm not sure if it was the "Christian" jeans that did me in or the six foot painting of the elk. Then again, it could've been the "Jesus saves" American flag t-shirt, the 1147 different flavors of bible (that's just the ones in English mind you), or the "testa-mints". You're kidding right?!? Oh, did I mention the "Christian" jeans? Im not sure what it was. I can't say that my tendency toward sarcasm didn't play into the whole experience either but what I can say is that this question has not left my mind since. "Do you think Jesus is proud of us?".
I'm glad I got mono. Yea sounds crazy, but never in my life have I had so much time alone with my thoughts, my bible or my Jesus. As I begin to feel better I only regret that I didn't spend even more time dealing in this peaceful confusion I've been living. Confusion obviously because questions rarely answer themselves, and peace because, as I'm learning, time spent with creator no matter how confusing is doubly peaceful. Almost three weeks now I've struggled with this question. This question that spawns question after question. Seriously, rabbits don't work this fast!
Look at what Christendom has become. When Jesus left his disciples to start the church, His bride, was he picturing our Jesus superstores? Was he expecting packed arenas of his people fighting to get as close as possible to our Jesus rockstars?? Was he looking for our mega-churches and our Christian movies?
Questions. The more I look at jesus' ministry, the more I look at the church of Acts, the more I compare them to this thing we americans call Christianity, the more questions I have.
There's the obvious questions like, how can we support a Christian music industry that brings in almost a billion dollars a year when our cities and neighborhoods are crawling with homeless? Or, how do we justify paying some of our larger churches ministers close to 6 digits or more when the very neighborhoods they preach to are filled with poverty stricken families?
These types of questions are easy to ask and really pretty easy to justify, but the questions that plague me are deeper, and not so easy to justify. Questions like how did we get to this point? What is it that makes us think this is the church Jesus was hoping for? Don't get me wrong, I'm totally aware that even as "Christians" we are a fallen people and we make mistakes. I just can't help but ask if we haven't taken grace and used it as an excuse to justify turning the bride of Christ into a carnival.
My fear goes deeper. Is it possible that we've all been wrong? That we're all misguided? I can't help but look to the churches of sardis and laodicea. Christ tells the church in sardis that even though they look alive that they are dead! Butthen notes that there are a few who haven't soiled their clothes, but to the laodiceans he tells them he's literally going to throw them up! And he's saying it to the whole church! There's no little note at the end commending the good ones, they've all missed the boat!
One of the things that bothers me so much about the Christian clothing lines is that it seems as if as Christians today we have to have them for the world to know we are christians. Why do I need a t-shirt to let you know I'm a christian? Shouldn't you be able to tell by the way I live my life? And I don't mean just being "joyful" all the time. I mean the way I actually live my life, the way I spend my time, the way I spend my money, the way I love people. And not just people I know but all people.
I can't help but return over and over to the rich young ruler. We do such a great job of rationalizing, contextualizing, and contemporizing this passage so its more comfortable, so we don't actually have to give up everything to follow Jesus. But the more I read this story the more I can't help but wonder if Jesus actually meant the things he said? Things like sell everything you have, give it to the poor and follow me, things like let the dead bury their own dead. Jesus asked thatches followers give up everything to follow him, literally everything! Not just their sex drugs and rock n roll...
I wonder if we are really Christians? Stick with me here... How much did I actually give up to become a Christian? How much difference is there really between me and a non christian? How can I ask our government to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, take care of the widows and orphans and truly call myself a Christian?
As I'm sitting here mulling this over im overcome with emotions. Fear, frustration, worry, disappointment, angst. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just need someone to justify everything for me again, maybe my bible is different than yours. I hope that god will clean some things up for me soon. Then again, I have this suspicious feeling he likes my asking questions.
If my questions have upset you, bothered you, been uncomfortable, I'm ok with that. Trust me, they haven't been all that comfortable for me but maybe that's the point. I don't remember Jesus saying following him would be comfortable, I remember something about picking up a cross and carrying it. Aren't those things sorta heavy?
